And for an evening they stiched.....

All I could hear today, this morning, well maybe had i been out long enough, all day long, was "did you see?!!!!!" There was a sense of disbelief in those words, dint matter who spoke them. "Yes!!" And a sense of rejoice, dint matter who replied either. All those who asked questions asked this, all those who replied, replied this. I cant remember the last time so many people must have called in sick, called in sick just so that they could watch one solitary match. But, come to really think 'bout it, it was more than just a match, it just somehow seemed to be the answer to the embarrassment suffered in March earlier this year.

How can you forget a day like this?! How can you afford to miss a match like this?! Well, some just could'nt make the "grade". Could'nt call in sick, had to work. Trying to concentrate on the job on hand and at the same time trying to keep those ever zealous eyes and ears away from the tv and radio sets. It was sure difficult, sheer difficult. Sure it was 4 years back we last reached the World Cup Finals, but the last time we lifted it was 24!! Thats a longtime. All i could manage for the mega event was a finale of say, 25 minutes! Yeah, thats it. But all the while you return from your office to your tv sets back home there was no one who was not taking about it.

Suddenly, the trains were emptier than before. I guess people had "eloped" from their workplaces just to be a part of this mega event. More than the fact that it was such a mega event, it was the hope that a bunch of 20 somethings would, from being not even contenders, go onto lift one of the trophies of their lifetime! They did eventually.

I had never watched India lift a trophy that said "World Cup". Not many others had either. So i wanted to go home and see it "LIVE", as live as can be! So, i finish my work and head back home with the match already begun. The score seems to be even. Not much to choose between the sides in the first innings itself. And as you trot back home, evading the Tv shops on the way back home, you just cant help but take a glance or two. Get the scores updated and continue on your way back home. Wanting to reach as quickly as possible. So i took the train. It was raining. Raining quite heavily. But its rained like this before. It gotten ugly as well. If uve ever stayed in Mumbai you'll know that with the downpours and people dangling on the footboards of the trains, its a great combination for a fight, BINGO!! No one wants to get wet. Some people inevitably do and then people fight. Everyone knows that they are all helpless, helpless cause of a careless Govt. but they still fight each other....arrgh!! There i go again, thats a topic for another day.

It rained badly as well yesterday. But no one was fighting. Perhaps, it was the match that got them so engrossed of the events far out in South Africa, so much so that they dint care if they were getting drenched helplessly again in the city rains. Inside the train, there were groups of say 8-10 men, 2-3 groups maybe,all of them in a huddle (resembled the Indian huddle for a while) listening to the scores. It was not being aired on the radio, i think, so there were these guys with their GPRS mobiles constantly refreshing their web-pages and screaming the scores. "OUT!!OUT!!" cried one man. The crowd got excited. Then, the other huddles confirmed and now everyone was happy. The Pakistanis were batting. "They are going a good rate, we have to take all 10(wickets)" said one. Normally, it would have the same man who would have been fighting with me by now,the train(although comparatively empty) was still crowded nonetheless and I was literally on that guys feet. But he said those words, smiled and then looked at me with those eyes, eyes which made me wonder if he wanted me to reply back.

"Yeah, we dont much of a total to defend!" He seemed happy with my involvement. Then--(I ride in "First Class" compartment) with only a steel grill separating the 1st class and the 2nd class compartment, anything said in either compartments was sure to be heard in the other-- someone from the 2nd class compartment yelled, "OUT!!" Suddenly, the GPRS dudes( lets call 'em that) frantically started "refreshing" (I'd like to thank Mr. Gates for the word). They confirmed and again, joy spread through out the compartment. Everyone was celebrating, and then again someone yelled, "OUT!!OUT!!OUT!!" 2wickets in a quick succession, two wickets, more than twice the joy!!

Suddenly, and astonishingly for the first time in my 6 year train travel i saw the people from the two compartments(aforementioned) almost seemingly transcend "grills" and interact as if there were none! All of a sudden, everyone was talking to someone! Some wise cracks started giving their interim match "expert opinions". No one really cared from that time on about anything else but to concentrate on one thing and one thing only, THE MATCH. Wickets kept tumbling and people kept on cheering. Some fours were hit, the "dudes" confirmed this after every "refreshment"(Mr. Gates again, with some amendments of my own). Almost reaching my station, the mood in the train was jubilant. Everyone was cocksure that the 24 year old wait would finally end. I started speaking to strangers,and even though those talks lasted a few coinciding,overlapping minutes inside a train, that was something I'd normally not do. Others, many others, would'nt either. But they did.

And I got down, walking as quickly as i could, headed out of the station and then took a rickshaw to my place. I spoke to the auto-driver as well!! I was really different. The streets seemed to be filled with hope and joy, both at the same time. In the rick, the driver asked me to update him, I unhesitatingly did. Came home, watched the match, saw the team win it, saw all the match presentations and then get back to my usual self. And as I lie in my bed, all I could think was the craziness in the train. I mean, I had a 60-65 year old next to me and a 30-35 year old man on the other side, and both equally "into" the match. So was I, a 20 year old lad.(I pronounce it "laad", the English way, sorta, I love the accent!!)

The next day people, there were many in the trains again, but not many spoke to each other. Everyone was busy with their own selves, I had my earphones plugged, some deep into their slumber, some buried in the newspapers, others just looking away from each other. And I realised, that these 20 somethings from our country out there in S Africa managed to do something unbelievable. Its the love for the game really, but then, they had to win it to evoke the love again. And they did. And so also did they, for an evening, stitch these self-absorbed individuals(myself including) into a NATION. Now, everything is back to "normalcy".

Whats up, Bollywood?

I'm so definitely not the kinda person who has any right whatsoever to talk 'bout Bollywood. I find it hard enough to tell one from song from the other (one hindi song from some english song that is). I rarely see Hindi movies but a lot of that has a lot to do with whatever the hell is up with Bollywood. I mean, its not that long ago when i used to watch Hindi movies and rubbish the English ones, but now, its the other way around, totally, permanently.

Let me start with how Bollywood was once a surreal place. All originals (well, most of 'em), brilliant directors, unreal music and of-course the lyrics were a rose petal touch to th ears. Over the years, the rose has dried out and the thorns keep rubbing your body, pricking one spot at a time. I mean, who can forget Nargis from her Mother India role? How about Sholay? That movie is still a crowd-puller. I, many others as well, would still watch it, atleast for sometime, if not the entire length.

Now, thats enough said and done. Fast forward about 3 odd decades from the Jay aur Viru ki jodi and you are devastated to see the plight of Bollywood. You've got Rakhi Sawant claiming to be an actress (I'm not a Christain, but still, Father please forgive her, for she know not what she (modified) claims) and you see Om Puri showing off his belly button in a saree in the same movie, you definitely know you've landed in hell.

Most of these Hindi movies are a total rip-off of Hollywood flicks. Let me start by giving some examples, say for instance, there was this one movie Awaraa Pagal Deewana starring Akshay Kumar, Suniel Shitty Shetty and others "superstars". Now, there in this film from the very outset the director wants his audience to know that he's not put a lot of money(or thought for that matter) into his action sequences. His first fight scene (forgive me if its not that first one) is like watching Matrix part 1, dubbed in Hindi, with bad looking people all over the place. Then, going forward, the movie slowly unveils how, Akshay Kumar is the bad don, the whole of India is looking for, taking refuge in America and how, he ends up meeting a dentist, whose assistant is totally nuts 'bout dons, and they don't come much better than Akki himself. Now, this reminds me of the Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry starer Hollywood flick, The Whole Nine Yards. Same story, there even a rose tattoo planted on Akki's neck, which has a close resemblance to that of Willis'. Now, whats up with this?

Then, coming suddenly to the latest movie starring Sushmita Sen, and Shiny Ahuja Zindagi Rocks. Not really!! The movie was crap, bout a rock star, and thats all you wanna know 'bout it. Trust me! There was a song in it, which is a total rip-off of Shakira's video. Now, how pathetic is this? Then we have the latest craze doing rounds, the Shahrukh Khan starer Chak De India. Now, its got great reviews, but somewhere in between those reviews the critics just let go of the part where they should tell the readers that this movie is "based" on the Kurt Russel one, Miracle. Now, theres a scene in both the movies where the coach makes his players run their butts off till they all claim to being playing for their countries. No marks for guessing which movie was out first. No. Not even a consolation prize.

Ok, let me stop the embarrassment, but this is really pathetic.

(My inner voice : One more, one more) (Me : Alright, just one more)
Now, this one's the best. Whats the height of copying someone else's movie, (let alone if thats David Fincher) and make your own Fight Club. How cool is that?

(Interrupted) "Hey thats not right!!"

(Me) "Who the hell are you?!!"

(Interrupter) "I'm Bollywood.The Entire Bollywood fraternity. The same one who found the Sanju Baba sentence preposterous, but find nothing wrong in someone blatantly lifting someone else's work, that work that we've wanted to excel in all our life."

(Me) "So, WTF, you doing here anyways?"

(The Entire B'wood) "That movie had nothing common, except the name my friend. Besides, don't you think you've thrown enough mud on Bollywood today? I mean, c'mon, take a break, get at us some other day."

(Me) "But that sucks. I mean, dude..(i by default call everyone a dude, ive noticed it makes people feel nice)..c'mon...ive not even begun talking 'bout the "inspired" songs. Ive not even mentioned Anu Malik. Or, how i almost heard Shaggy in the Partner track (you're my love). Hey, reminds, what kinda bloody theft of ideas is Partner?!!!!"

(The Entire Bollywood) "Hey man, uve gotta chill. You should know that we've reached a certain point in our lives where most of us have started to admire works of art and see how far we can assimilate that into our Bollywood. You know, this way, even those who dont watch Hollywood can have access to the best in Cinema, be it from the West or East. Bollywood caters to everyone, anyhow!!"

(Me) "Okie man, will surely think of the latest admission and claims you lay. Gotta go now, will be back. You gonna be there too?"

(The Entire Bollywood) "Yeah sure, just call me, ill be there"

Boys dont "AWWWW..."

I believe it has been a common presumption, unless you were born with the wrong set of genitals, that boys dont awww. There are so many of these issues, situations perhaps is more apt, where you would find the girls and boys reacting in a very different manner, so different that it yells out the difference in perception. Again, another thing that ive been hearing for a long longtime is that, men dont cry. I cant seem to figure this out, but still, its been the notion, misguided, ill-thought or otherwise.

This whole thought came to my mind after a fellow-orkutter asked me very recently, what my display pic was all about? Well, i really couldnt explain to him exactly what the case for it was, all i said was, " its jst a very simple innocent pic...love it cos its very "awww".." And then i figure out that boys arent meant to awwww...but i just did. A little feminine side of me, or is it me just being plain thoughtless bout something that im saying on the internet? I drop the latter as an option to my hidden multi-optional answer to this question (im very particular bout what i say), then there are many left, although the "feminine side" is the only other one ive mentioned.

Now reverting to the main issue over here, girls will find a baby cute, boys (mostly referred to as emotional shit-heads by the opposite sex) just dont know how to react. If a baby says something, when it actually cant, girls go nuts--ive seen this--boys might end up saying "ahh!what a dork!" This stuff happens and is for real. Its out there, inside each one of us, each one of us boys. Again, here some guys girls find "show kuute". Boys find them nerds. Thats the basic difference that stems from different set of genitals. Finally an emotional connection is established with whats in your pants today(and forever , at your sole discretion of-course!)

How bout the colours for a change? There are male colours and then, there are female colours. Female colours are mostly and always revolving around PINK. Boys should choose colours that are more of a darkish sorts. Say, BLACK. I hate that colour. I mean, surely its got its importance in the derivation of some other colours, but does that really matter? I mean, why should the girls have all the fun? Girls can have pink, green, turquoise (i used to call it a bull-shit colour while i was still recovering from the Tyler Durden hangover) and then all that the boys are left with is Navy blue, maroon, black, dark green etc etc(what are indeed bull-shit colours!!). I cant seem to understand, why widen the scope of sexual discrimination? Lets keep that to the boardrooms, shall we?

How bout our accessories? I mean, girls can decorate (and redecorate) themselves as if they're a work of art and they'd still be heterosexuals. If the boys did that, they'd be metrosexuals!! How did we (and i speak, apparently, for most of us who actually have a thing in our pants) all of a sudden, just by emulating the women and by being a little more cleaned up, than that has been our tradition lose our basic characteristic? Maybe we should thank Mark Simpson for this.

Well, this is actually a much wider topic, than i previously thought, i shall continue this at an appropriate time. Till then, lets sustain traditions and lead ourselves to believe that boys dont awwww...!! Awww (and this ones for the girls)......

I dont have a thing to blog!!

Well, its been a longtime since i last blogged. And yet, after all these days of absenteeism i have not found anything yet!! Kinda sucks, but when you try and compare this with my daily chronicles i'm sure, the loss of thought aint all that bad. But, how 'bout you? Where have you been? I've been busy, actually, well, when life gets occupied with so many things, i guess we feel we are busy, i feel the same; for now.

I have been thinking, and thinking hard and good that too, but i just cant seem to agree. I mean, my thoughts in the morning and then in the evening seem to disagree on every bit. Every small tiny bit, that needs an electronic microscope to be seen, each one of those thoughts seem to be in complete isolation with its immediate neighbour. Nothing i think seems to be steady for more than , well, hardly at all. I've wanted to blog, and blog so badly as well, but just havent been able to think of anything. Anything at all. I mean, i aint a writer, but surely i can write non-sense, ask my friends to read the pathetic piece of immaterial english abuse and revert to being my usual self. But, thats not been happening these days. I think of myself as wanting to write a masterpiece...like a you know, a MASTERPIECE. But that seems to be more of a hope, a distant cousin of the most ridiculous of hopes that too!

Well, the day begins at 4 and ends at 12. So train-goers watch me sleep all the while. They see me sleep in the morning and then, they see me sleep in the evening. I'm getting used to the first-class green cushioned (yeah right!!) seats. They are not comfortable, but they do the job. Those 50 mins provide a much needed relief. But, coming back to the crisis here, i dont have a thing to blog. I should have a few now, now that the EPL has begun and maybe i'll have a word or two to say 'bout Mr. Jose and his antics, Mr. Arsene "I can do without Henry" Wenger, surely, Rafael "Liverpool cant win the EPL" Benitez. And then, how can i forget, Sir Alex Ferguson. Ah! I dont know why, but i just cant seem to not be impressed with that man.

Anyways, i must cut it short here. Maybe next time out i'll be more elaborate and definitely with something to read 'bout. Well, i must apologise for some nonsense that you might have had to bear with in this post, well you havent lost much, i mean, click here if you think you have. Do write in with your valuable comments, there are processed and looked after.

Discoveries at 32000 feet above sea level

And for some reason i believe all this - the near atheism, boring prayers, unbelief in heaven and hell alike,not-so-strong-god-following that i'm attributed with (most of it at family reunions) has got something to do with a man i don't know. I met him some eleven years back. I was nine then. On board an Indian Airlines flight from Mumbai (Bombay it was back then) to Mangalore, me and my cousin were more than delighted when this man, gentleman, offered to swap his window seat for our adjoining seats. It was view to watch. We loved it. It must have been like the third time we were flying, but at nine, we loved every bit of that, every single time!

Getting back to the man, i guess we should name him for convenience sakes. Lets call him,Annoying Bob. Annoying Bob was this middle-ages man, spectacled,moustached,short and maybe a little overweight. Thats as far as i can recall Annoying Bob. He was one of the interfering types, i recall him, pooping in every short while, asking us if we needed anything! Man, at times i wished he just disappeared. Being nice is good, being extra nice, is perennially "enough". I wish now, for some strange reason, that i had yelled that at him. Atleast, he would not have asked what he did! But he was indeed a nice man. Guess he saw us as two less than tens, 32000 feet above the sea level all by themselves and must have thought he ought to take care. At 32000 feet its really annoying if your "single-serving friends" get stuck up in your face. I mean its bad enough that you must stay glued to a seat for hours together ( i believe if aint gonna take hours, then theres no point flying) and then, just when you cant move, you come to learn you cant escape as well !!

Back to the screenplay. We were seated in the first row, only the cockpit to stare at after getting bored of continuously watching the clouds come and go, one after the other, higher than the previous ones. Milky white they were, oh what a sight! And for a second i started searching for the Gods, i was told that high above the skies they lived. Where the apsaras danced and there was all happiness. This was to be heaven. I thought. I was told, and so i believed. It must have crossed my mind(its hard to recall what i must have thought 11 years ago, but i try to; vaguely). And then, the air-hostess came serving. I picked up as many chocolates as i could in my right palm. Then, the other. I was out of my thoughts, and could see the airtight doors in between our seats and the cockpits. Munching on them, Annoying Bob seemingly in his sleep, got up and looked at the two of us literally feasting on the chocolates. He was silent,for the best part of first 25-30 mins of the flight, he was not. Then, once again, the silence was broken and Annoying Bob spoke.He spoke like a wise sage teaching his most loved disciple. He said something that etched forever in my mind, cant be sure to how large an impact immediately, but an impact it did and a striking one that too!


Annoying Bob : Whats your name?

Me : Rutesh


Annoying Bob : How old are you?

Me : Nine.


Annoying Bob : Have you heard 'bout God?Heaven?Angels?

Me(with a "who hasn't" look on my face) : Yes!

answering to the point has been one of my most annoying characteristics, which i sometimes(even more annoyingly)tend to over-compensate!!

Annoying Bob : Well, has anyone ever told you that heaven is above the blue sky we see from beneath? That the Gods live there. That the Gods have beautiful apsaras dancing for them and that heaven is beautiful.

Me : Yes, ive heard of it.

Annoying Bob : We are so high above the seas and i cant see any of those things. We've been this high for quite sometime now and yet i don't recollect seeing any today. Ive traveled so often, yet have'nt seen any even once. Well, where are they? I dont think they exist. Heaven does not exist. And if heaven doesnt, then how can hell?!!

At nine, you are usually left dumbfounded by questions like these. I had no idea what to say, and so i went back munching on my chocolates, but not before atleast once looking outside the windows and searching for Them. Every once i a while i would peep out the window yearning to sight them and show Annoying Bob and point to him and yell at him, in his ears and tell him, "Look, there you go! There they are, you...you..." (for innocence, my vocabulary was much restricted then). I could'nt find any. I felt like i had lost, Annoying Bob had won! Thats what i remember vaguely from my conversation 'bout 11 years back. I recall it - well not like yesterday, but most certainly - like the day before.

This took away from me things in a flash. I had not understood it then, but i do now. Now, looking back and trying to correlate one event to another, i see the seeds that Annoying Bob had sown. With that went everything. Soon Christmases were boring, other religious festivals were a mere get together, and myself coming from a not-so-religious dad meant that that was the last thing i wanted to know. At nine i was successfully told how all that, the heaven and hell, God and Evil, were all lies. Lies manifested to make us believe and (now i feel) eventually surrender to a power higher and much stronger than us where none existed. Santa Claus i came to know was a lie. Carols were just another songs sang in a Christian school. Every Dec 25 when the peon would wear a Santa outfit and come and throw the chocolates, i knew it was'nt him. It was'nt Santa. i dint know who it was, but i knew who it was not. I believed that i had been to the place where everyone said Gods lived. I searched and i found none. Now, i dont believe that i managed to understand and totally grasp what it meant when he said, "no heaven-hell", the way i do now, but what i knew was i was being lied. It hurt. There were no Gods. Soon, the cries were all by themselves. The traditional prayers alongwith the childish pains went away. I figured, if God was'nt there to hear it, then why pray? Religious ceremonies were a compelled ritual. Now i attend them to meet cousins and others. Soon the temples became uninteresting and i stopped being afraid of being doomed as i grew up. Who's there to forsake me after all?

I'm not an out and out atheist, i dont think so, but i just have no clue as to why i just dont care 'bout it all anymore. I'm really indifferent to this, heaven and hell, God and the Satan. It feels numb, but well, as it would, who cares?

How many have you?!

Thinking of Titan are you? So was i. Staring down at my wrist all i could think of was how once my mat finished "Fast Track" watch was now an old, "i-should-scrap this" watch. I could have been flaunting an Armani instead, but thats another story. Then i think of the latest from Titan, the Aviator series, and how awesome that collection would be! Now, with the ones that i've got. Tick. Tick. And so goes my Armani. Oh!Its beautiful. That jade-like dial, diamond studded number-stones, its a joy to watch, pun not intended, but used! I used to sport a Titan before,now, i long for a Vacheron Constantin. Every time i look at my Armani i get lost within its beauty. Its enchanting, and then, all of a sudden, i recover. Stop adoring it and see whats really happening. All of a sudden i see the metaphors. Do you? Have you? I am losing a second at a time. Its very different in the sense that i'm snapping from one reality to another.

Have you ever thought about it? Looked at every second of your life tick away? With every tick of the watch that adorns your wrist, you ARE getting older. You are about 2 minutes older than you were when you started reading this. Now, you are 3! Apply this thought to everything you do, you want to do, you have and you wonder the worth of what you do. Made me wonder why i did that. Do you ask yourself (have you started) that whether what you did was worth every second it took off of your life? Decaying further more. All the time we are getting older, nearing the end, closing-in on death. Are we all, but, running out of time?

We love doing a few things say hangout with friends, watch whatever, do whatever, we just do so many things. But seldom do we realise that everything we do is using up that time of our life, one we have limited, not sure how much though. Would you then feel the urge to do things that are worth it? Would you, then, stop lazying around the house, get up earlier on sundays as well, spend more time with your special ones?

Most of us flow with time. we live one day at a time. A week at the best when we've got big plans shaping up at a weekend, beyond that, not much. We take life as it comes, get out of our teens and think we've become big. Look to make something of ourselves so as to occupy ourselves with for the rest of our lives. Try to get as many luxuries as we can. Dream big really. Its like finding something that can keep us busy and get us what we want till we are. We accept death as the destination of this journey called life. We've accepted it so much so that now everyone knows that they're going to lose the ones they love. If we're all born with a clean slate, then how can each one of us, in our lifetime, understand and accept death. The thing really is, we've only accepted it and to my mind this acceptance on our part and so on the part of the posterity has a lot to do with the failure of those before us to unlock the mystery that surrounds death. We've given up hope that we can live forever, so we then want to live as long as we can, dont we?

I do not understand the concept of death. It works in strange ways, akin to life, really. It might happen expectedly or without a notice. It could be by you for quite sometime and finally embrace you, or it could take you by a storm. You might be down with illness for 6-7 months, try hard, battle it out and finally die, or you could go for an evening stroll and next thing (you dont know) an astronaut falls from the blue above and lands on you! Obviously, you die. Death, they say comes to everyone and in many (many) strange ways. We have accepted it. I guess it does sound practical. I mean, if none of us died, where would we all live? At 6 Bn+ we're already into deforestation, at even more so, where would we be? Besides, to live on forever, is that not boring? And then, what would happen of those who are now immortals only because they're dead? We'd never have them. How would we understand the beauty that life is, if we never knew that we could lose it any moment?

Venturing into myths, Achilles wanted to die as well. He just must have got tired of killing everyone. He understood, perhaps, the tranquility that death brought and the constant fight for survival life had become. He, like Alexander, chose death over life. They died young, both. Alexander idolised Achilles. What is it 'bout dying young that these men understood? Was it the time? Was it the life they lived? What was it? Did they see what we have not? Is it just a matter of time then? People ailing with ailments chose death over life as well. Maybe life is not all that beautiful to everyone as we can think. Maybe life does become a pain for many. Are we just lucky then? Is life all but a matter of luck? A point of view? We all try to fill our life with moments that last a lifetime. Sure, we all want to. We all want to life a "full life", dont we? But what does it imply? Does it mean living longer? What does life mean?

Hard to know, too complex to figure out ourselves, too vague to be preached. Whatever it is, we are closing in on death. A tick at time. Who knows how many (ticks) i have left. How many have you?

Me, myself and the Internet--- Part 2

Now, since u know a little bit 'bout my internet conquests...a little more bout me!
As of now, a simple 20 yr old who you cannot make out from the rest of the crowd. An illusionist, in the sense that people would think that i'm a loner, a "keeps-to-himself" person, only if they knew better, only if i cared more!

This is about "me" ; "myself" and "the internet" will come up later on. Well, where do i start from? I wonder, i mean, ive always wondered what is it, what has been the urge to let people know who we really are. I still cant figure that out as ironic as it may seem. But im an irony unto myself. Guess everyone feels pretty much the same way. We all think we are special, we are; maybe.

I used to be the nice boy, inextricably lost in his books and daily routine that was nothing short of a hectic life. Get up at 5, reach college by 7, and then travel 85-90 odd kms everyday to attend classes. Life was becoming an adventure i never bargained for! And in the midst of all of this, was springing up a boy, a man who would be carving out a mould for himself to fulfill his "must-haves".

All of a sudden, u realise that for a change, you control your life. Its nice to feel that way. The thing with control is that, it is as much an illusion as it is a delusion. Anything beyond that is purely beyond my intellectual abilities to comprehend! Coming back to "me", it felt nice. Life was heading and i seemed to enjoy it! Every step of the way--though i have to say, lifes never been as great as it is now, but somehow, experience teaches you a lot of things--everything that i like. It does'nt get much better.

It is like getting everything that u've ever wanted. Hang out with friends' just seemed to keep getting better. On the academic front i was still very much the same "has'nt proved till yet" boy! Its very frustrating to be that, guess most of you would know!! When these things happen to you and you think that you control life (finally!!), you really dont! All that means is that life is happening too fast, much too fast for you to realise what is happening, and in this moment you live it, and miss out on moments, some of which are the best you might possibly ever have, and then come back to your senses once its all over! Once you've lost it all. Its perhaps similar to a hang-over, i cant be sure though, never had one, luckily or otherwise.

Thats as much about me as im ready to divulge right now, thats as much about me as is necessary for you to correlate my posts to one another. However, must you know more, all i shall say is that, now, looking back and looking down i see myself much better than i ever was. I love the idea of not being in control, letting-it-rip (if you will), "let(ting) the chips fall where they may"....its simply nice. Its so much more nice to know what you want and surrender to it, rather than not know what you want and be illusory that you control everything around you, isnt it?

Me, myself and the Internet--- Part 1

You know, for a long time i think now, for nearly 2 yrs that ive had internet (without any disruptions) at my place i never realised how far into "it" i really was. It was only after that the net got unexpectedly disconnected (and for 3 weeks that too) when i realised the condition, so to speak.

It made me feel restless, initially. I don't really know why or how the restlessness subsided. Guess it was because i always knew that it would get connected one day, uncertain as to when though. It was a matter of when and not if. Finally it has been "resurrected". I feel alive again, i feel connected, i feel like now, somehow, all of a sudden, im there, out there with the rest of you. Until a few hours back, i was not.

Internet had become a part of ennui. Everyday, i'd wake up, drink tea and log in! Every night, i'd come home tired, but it was never a problem to log in, and stay that way till i lost sense of what i was doing, till i would sit there stare at the monitor and wonder where the f**k the others had gone. Then, i would log out, only to log in less than quarter a day later. I became addicted to it, and i never knew that. All the while for the last two years ive been getting addicted to it, more today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today.

It is when you stop realising what you do, and you stop, all of a sudden one day, take a look around and realise that you dont understand what has become of you! All this while when my internet was like a passport to the rest of the world, while getting to meet new people, i guess i failed to see that those around me, i was drifting away from them. Parents would see, when i entered the house (at 'bout 9 in the night) and then when i left ('bout 10 am). That was as much. My bedroom was my "room". This had become my world, to think that the internet had nothing to do with it, is absolutely incorrect. It was the net that transformed my bedroom into my world. I was proud of it.

Now, without the internet, life became boring. As much as i wanted to get it sorted out (the net) i could not as i had little time left in the day..all other measures were tried, tested and failed. So i get back to cursing, praying that it got sorted out somehow. It now became clearer to me, that all this while, all the net sessions, all the late night staying up, all the surfing, all the.....u get the idea right?...it was all just because i could. I realised that as time went on, the need to have it subsided. But, it was a bit unnerving to lose "my world",lose contact, slip into forced hibernation.

As much as my survival, existence or pleasures did not depend on it, it was irritating not to be able to get "in" whenever i wanted. But soon as i could connect, i would. As i have now.

Things we do!

Its odd...very odd...i have wanted to blog very badly...but i just could not come up with a post!! I mean usually i'm full of ideas....know-how on how i'd like things to be...but when it comes to blogging i've found myself into a spot of hesitation!! It just feels as if i've got nothing to talk..err...write about!...i do....so what is it? Well, its bout the things we do! How 'bout that?

Let me start by what i mean. I mean, daily we encounter so many things; some repetitive in nature, some new, some strange, some un-wanted, some....well you get the idea, right? So why a blog outta this? I think there's a hidden behaviour pattern in the way we do things that we do. A strange behavioural pattern that is a product of us, of which indirectly we are a product ourselves! I mean, if one says that our actions are a display of ourselves, then are we not a product of our actions!? And if we are, as would seem obvious, then whats a function of what? Are we a function of our behaviour?Or our behaviour a function of us?

Its hard to tell really, isnt it? So what would you do if you found out that there was an event aired on TV--one you could not possibly miss--and at the same time you had to go out, say with your friends(who, by the way, were least interested in that!!)? Just what would you do? Would you call them and tell them the actualities of the situation?Or would you fake a reason?Or would you simply just GO? What would you do? It does not matter what you would, cause whatever you choose to do, you have a acted in a certain way.

So, if you choose to tell them then things as they are, then that means you are honest and would refrain from lying, as you've done over here. No easy way-outs for you, you face things! If you fake a reason that would imply that you know just how important the show is to you, also taking into consideration that your actions might be dis-approved of, so you take the easy way out.However, if you decide to go, then that would mean that acknowledging fully how important it is for you to behave the way your friends (people) expect you to, you decide to give up on your likes and go, even if its a first, still you've taken this decision.

So, now is this a behavioural pattern or just a one-off thing? Well chances are this not a one-off thing! You might have done it before without realising it, or you may do it again, even after swearing to not do it again!! The things we do when we have multiple options, are the things we should watch out for. It is in these decisions we take, however small or "one-off", that we christen ourselves. When we take these decisions, like these, for the first time, we become a function of our beahivour, when we have to take decisions like these again, our behaviour becomes a function of us! We try to re-collect, or if we do re-collect, then we do things exactly in the same manner as we have before when faced with similar conditions, so our behaviour then is a result of how we acted "at that time".

Here then our behaviour depends on our actions then, and so our behaviour is not much different than the previous one, and this is how we establish a behavioural pattern. Our behaviours in most cases from here on start becoming a function of us, that is, we do things the way we expect ourselves to do rather than try to do things differently everytime, ofcourse the behaviour will only be similar or "predictable" only in cases of similar events and not otherwise. When faced with a new thing all together, a new behaviour is potrayed and this time we are function of our behaviour i.e. we behave not by instincts or impulse but by thinking & then acting accordingly. Again when this situation is faced later on, or a similar one chances are we would act more or less in the same way as we had "at that time".

To really try and figure out whether we are a function of our behaviour or our behaviour a function of us, we could say, that first time doings are always without histories and experience and in void of that we become a function of our behaviour, i.e. a product of how we've acted and not acted because of who we are, cause we have not faced this thing before at all. When we have, however, faced the circumstances before and we act exactly like the previous time, then it means that we now have behaved like this because of who we are, and this is how we would behave and here then our behaviour becomes a function of us.

There is, however, one assumption in the whole process of identifying the functions and the constants! It has to be assumed that we are ever-defining, evolving,and learning from our past. Wait or is that what mankind has been all-about? Now, its a different thing if you ask those who've been to war, but otherwise, pretty much!!

Let me know what you think, i hope i've not confused you too much!

What are you afraid of???!!

FEAR it seems is a word not many like to associate themselves with. It is quite genuine a feeling id like to believe. While it many seem that as we grow up our childhood fears are laid to rest, more fears, newer ones are embedded into us! Ask a child what he is afraid of and he'll say ghosts, darkness, loneliness, etc. All that fairy tale stuff!! It is not always and not necessary that we shed most, let alone all, of our childhood fears as we grow up. We simply cant. Some fears have emotional reasoning behind them, the others continue to exist for lack of opportunity to dispel them, and thus they continue to be a part of life we've always heard but never felt.

The difference between the fears of a child and a grown up adult is that, while the child has no previous experience of trying to squash his fears away, the adult does! This can act in the favour and also against depending upon the success of the adult in trying to get rid of his fears. While the child has only his "ghosts" to deal with the adult has bigger issues. He knows what it is like to fail, he knows the cost of failing whatever he's engaged into currently, the child does not. Then there is constant pressure to succeed at giving a better opportunity to his/her children than what he had. The fear here is of FAILING. Thats perhaps one of the beauty of being a child, they've just no tasted failure, an adult might have over and over again!!

Our greatest fears lie in loosing that thing that we aspire the most. Thats why loosing loved ones is so hard, thats why failing is so hard, its not the fact that we failed, its the fact that we've lost an opportunity to take something we've wanted, something we've always desired the most has slipped out of our hands, something, someone. These things happen to everyone, everyone experiences these fears atleast once a lifetime, its a given.

Then is overcoming these fears our greatest hurdle or is it these fears themselves? For me, our greatest hurdle is neither of them. Our greatest hurdle lies in our ability to rise, not beyond everyone else, but as much as we can. But, how do we know how much we can rise? Simple, keep trying, forever!!Ironically, our greatest hurdle lies in our ability to have faith in ourselves, that we can tackle every obstacle!!Once we are done with a little dose on self-belief then we can try and face the problems, then once we believe that we are self-sufficient then we can bolden up to our greatest fears. Our fears are a manifestation of our beliefs about our abilities. So for me the best way to overcome them is to assess ourselves thoroughly and then gear up!!

Theres no running away from our fears, no hiding either. The only way to escape them is to have them and experience our powers.Lions don't become the king of the jungle unless they've fought another male for a territorial advantage. Someones gotta lose in that fight but the winner knows his ability forever! Thats the beauty of facing our fears, they show us what we are truly made up of. Fears need not end or be finite, and why will they, neither are our abilities nor is our spirit. Even though our greatest fears might lie,besides others, in not being able to unlock our true potential or failing to see that light within us that exemplifies our spirit, our greatest challenge lies in rising up and not in preventing a fall.

This is what i think. Its not all that i think, but pretty much. Please let me know what u think by adding your precious comments!! Thank you!

The plight of being us!!

There is a problem with the State machinery and that should not be an iota of surprise to anyone. The state im talking of is my own state wherein i reside...Maharashtra...the state is in huge debt...then there is the pathetic condition the railway--the most extensively used means of transport in Mumbai--the state electricity board is in total disruption(mirroring the state)...desperate for power but haplessly inefficient!!...
In the sub-urbs of Mumbai the load-shedding is perhaps most evident..ive heard there are also regions where the load shedding is around 15-16 hrs a day...here it stands at a "moderate"7 1/2 hrs a day!!...
There is a total shortfall of around 5700 Mw of power in the State..n Andhra Pradesh is trying to cash in on it by selling its excess to us at around Rs 8.3/unit. We would have bought that but the state just does not have enough funds to do that as well. And all this...i know...but still, its difficult to understand how the state officials could not have estimated such an increased demand in advance...sure it is tough!..but then so what?..those guys are appointed at those posts only because they are expected to be fully able to calculate and plan for the best interests of the people in the state!...
Another quite startling thing is that while the MSEB has been constantly increasing the hrs under load-shedding, there have been very frequent protests....i mean, yes, i did hear bout the blocking of the Mumbai-Agra highway by the businessmen...angry protesters in other parts of Maharashtra but a very few from the district where i live in!!...its like...i can now think of that one line that Mr Mohan Bhargav said in Swades..the people here have just got so used to living in darkness that it seems but normal to them..the load-shedding, that is. I know perhaps its wrong to blame the people...but then how do let the Govt know of this unacceptable behaviour?...how?..angry protesters beat up those MSEB officials forgetting that they live in the same vicinity where these angry men come from!!
It is about time something legislative happened...the Supreme Court with its recent judgements has boosted the public confidence to a large extent...it wont be incorrect to assume that the public rests more hope.
This problem that has gripped the state will perhaps not go away until the end of the decade..we can only hope for a faster solution....and oh yes...about the farmer suicides...in-efficiency of the state to zero-in on the July 11 blasts i think ill write next time....


This is the part where i expect you to leave a comment...a counter argument...anything you would like to...thank you for the patience exhibited...he he..but we need to now start making a sound!!